REALTIME EVENT 21.58PM

I have just got back from going a short walk up to my `Best Friend (of 18yrs) to give her some weed and to give her 2 CD`s of Leonard Cohen ..
I rang the bell, and at first my friend seemed to want me to giver her the things at the door, but then she said to come into the porch. I asked if sasha her granddaughter had her tie dye hoodie on, and if i could see it.. i said a few things about it all and while doing that , giving Mo the bits i had for her.. BUT the atmosphere in her flat was so so uncomfortable, i realised that I wasnt welcome there, and Mo my best friend wanted me out.. she looked at me differently, like i had done something wrong... but i have never felt such a strong feeling and overwhelming sense of not welcome in her home. 
I felt the tears well up as i said goodbye and got that lump in my throat,, this kinda stuff has been going on for just under a year, and i have been blocked by land line phone ..to call her, then all of a sudden ..last October she was trying to get a hold of me and it seemed it was important.. finally wen i spoke on the phone, i said i would pop up to hers, and wen her front door opened, she was open arms and hugs and kisses and sorry`s it was her that felt the need to settle her own thoughts on things.. it had nothing to do with me  at all.. it was created to serve a purpose of my friend being able to let any guilt or angst anything negative.. in regards to our relationship and friendship, 

Anyway... tonight I had a feeling of Rejection .. by someone who is a best friend and the friendship was created 18yrs ago.. and not a hiccup or argument .. Mo knows everything about me, she knows me better than my mother, she knows every secret. and she also has told me everything in her own secret black book... we would go shopping together, and coffee bars, concerts 
It was a solid healthy positive and happy relationship.. but its been slowly crumbling apart, bit by bit, and i have no control in any of it all.. 

The look in her eyes this evening , were not the eyes my true best friend, she was worked up, and she looked at me, saying ..i want you to go .. eyes.. there was no light or sparkle there.. 

 .TO WATCH AND LIVE LIKE THIS EMOTIONS,FEELINGS CONFUSION LOW SELF ESTEEM, CONTROLLED ALL WITH NOT ONE REASON TOLD OR AN EXPLANATION, IM IN THIS DARK PLACE WHERE EMPTINESS AND COLDNESS...I ONLY KNOW THAT ALL OF THIS IS SO UPSETTING I SPEND MANY A NIGHT CRYING ABOUT LOSING MY FRIEND, 
BUT SHE HAS TAKEN THE STATUS OF THE " JUDGE AND JURY, CONTROLLER AND NO EMOTIONS OR FEELINGS TO BE ANY PART OF THIS SITUATION .. SHE HAS MADE ALL THE DECISIONS, DECIDED `WHAT IS` AND `WHAT ISN'T` .. ALL OF THIS,, AND NEVER HAS SHE GIVEN AN EXPLANATION OR ANSWER AS TO WHY THIS NIGHTMARE WAS CREATED. HER FEELINGS CAME FIRST, AND SHE SEES NOTHING WRONG IN ADMITTING THAT MY FEELINGS ON THE WHOLE THING WERE NOT HER CONCERN.
I HAVE NO SAY IN ANY DECISIONS  AND MY THOUGHTS EMOTIONS AND HOW MUCH DAMAGE THIS IS ACTUALLY CAUSING AND AFFECTING ME.. I FEEL SO LOST AND SAD SOMETIMES.. PEOPLE ACT IN SUCH STRANGE WAYS IN LIFE, AND FOREVER LEAVING THE QUESTION "WHY" .. IM LUCKY I SPOSE IN THE WAY I LIKE MY OWN COMPANY, I LIVE ALONE, NEVER FEEL LONELY OR IN NEED OF A COMPANION IN ORDER TO FEEL COMPLETE.. GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE..THE COURAGE TO THE THINGS I CAN CHANGE....AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE