Oh .. How I have neglected my blog...but its just that life in the real world has taken me into its realms and I`ve been caught up with so many issues lately, some which have been hard as in negative and dark..while most has just been those little things you always say you will get done, but never do..and they stack up like a pack of aging playing cards and get to the point where you have no choice but to , one by one take each card from the deck and get around to resolving the issue at hand... while sifting through papers needing to be sorted I came across a letter...

This letter isnt your average kind.. it was written on the 27th of February 2004. By my Trina, my current partner.
We started our relationship officially in late October 2002. 
In 2003 our relationship was still going ok in respect of both wanting to be with each other. But after just 4 months into the relationship ..the physical side of it stopped. 
It never regained its part within our relationship again. 
She had two sons. Mathew and Lee. Mathew was 16 yrs old and Lee was 14 yrs old.. 
Mathew controlled his mother, myself and his brother.. His mental state was unpredictable and too often turned into an agressive and almost violent state.. He would show the signs of him cranking up the wheels of his mind, tighter and tighter, his communication skills and vocabulary changed into what can be related to a sociopathic person, where along with his ever increasing nature ..eventually turning him into someone no one would want to meet with.
Looking at him, i could see how his face even distorted itself into the monster he turned into, he would take objects either belong to his mother or myself ...and break them in front of us... physically he was into your personal space, you couldnt walk away from Mathew, he wouldnt allow you to walk away from the horrendous situation that was building .. Even when Trina said to me, come on lets get out of here (the home) get in the car and leave him to it, most occasions...you were not able to just do that..he would follow you to the car and as soon as it was unlocked he would get in the back seat.. If Mathew wanted you to suffer by his hand and cause as much upset as possible...there was nothing anyone could do... On a few occasions the police were called ..but the police being the police ..never resolved the situation...what Mathew needed was a short sharp shock...and I wish the police had handcuffed him and put him in a cell for the night.. that would have done Mathew good..

So life and the relationship was basically constantly living on a knife edge... when Mathew finished school..we would have to pick him up as he refused to walk either to school or walk home from school.. and we couldnt confront that issue.. ..we never knew what the eveing would be like until Mathew got in the car... we would soon get an idea, by his behavior.. if he was relaxed and what should be like any other kid his age coming home from a day at school.. there was a sense of relief in the air...but more often that not... his behavior as soon as he got in the car was that which was going to lead to an evening of what can only be described as a nitemare... 
SO,,,, with my mental health being as it was... by mid 2003...my mental state started to show cracks...it was slowly but surely crumbling away...and Trina had never seen me mentally ill.. my psychosis returned and I decended into my own world of the voices and torment, music was my salvation my headphones and music on my ipod play 24/7 i never took my headphones off.. never..so somehow in some time or other there were community nurses visiting me at the home... and next thing i know ...Im being admitted into the local psychiatric ward in  a hospital called Runwell.. Trina was crying,, she didnt know what to do... she drove me to the ward ...told them that she was told that if they Acu-phased me ... it would be the best way to control the psychotic episode i was having... Trina sat with me as i sat on a bench by the front door of the ward... she held my hand.. then told me she had to leave...it was hard for me to see her walk away, she alone made me feel safe...she left...i remained seated on the beinch , headphones blasting out the music that was constantly playing....it was that , which stopped the voices shouting ..they speak of sick and frightening things, immerse ur mind with visual instances of death and serious injury.. to close my eyes was to ..as if have rolled down a screen, and my closed eye lids became the projection screen and the violent sick ways i could be tortured and made to do to MYSELF...NEVER HAVE MY VOICES TOLD ME TO HARM ANOTHER PERSON... 
So still sitting at the bench..i feel some come sit next to me..and take my hand....it was Trina...she then spoke and said she got in the car...but couldnt seem to leave..and have to leave me in this psychiatric hospital..and she had to come back to say she loved me and try say goodbye again... she stayed for some time then got up and said... i have to go.. i love you Leona... you will be ok ..i know you will..and she walked slowly away and at some distance i could see her turn her head to look back.. to see if i was still at the bench.. then i rose and walked into the ward and asked them please to Acu-phase me please as soon as they can... they injected me and after an hour of pacing back and forth i went to lay on my bed.. and then the acu-phase kicked in... i desended into the deepest kind of sleep there is... for 3 days... i was in slumber...i woke up...head really fuzzy... Voices?... jeez they had gone back into the quiet room in my head....the shouting and terrorising had stopped ..the acu-phase had worked....i tried to get up...and managed to get to the smoking room ..but by the time i was trying to roll up a fag...it became an impossible task...my eyes were so heavy...i felt dizzy..i needed to lay down... stumbling back to my bed..and slept til next day...it took about a week, for the effects of the acu-phase to stop.. and after 3 weeks of being a patient ..i was discharged and i went home,, trina was happy,,,mathew was dubious and a little confused ..by my psychosis at home,, my being away for 3 weeks and now back home..he acted quietly around the situation..
But life on the knife edge was taking its role yet again... it was also trina that caused trauma...and terrible situations...she was a binge drinker...and god help you..if she was drunk...by god ...you suffered ... verbally abusive and physically abusive.. i would have to get the kids to their grandmothers ..without trina noticing so they didnt have to witness the shit going down... she was horrible nasty aggressive puching kicking slapping verbally putting me down...this senario would last ALL night..if i managed to get her to bed ,,,it took un til around 4 am for her to want to sleep.. then the monster turned into the "patient" ..throwing up ... so i would sit up in the bed next to her, she had a bucket at side of bed..i dare not sleep as i was scared she might choke on her vomit... after a couple of hours it stopped and she eventually fell asleep..6 am i would get up, take the bucket empty its contents down the toilet and clean it..but put it back by the bed ...just in case... i would go down stairs and i would sit in the lounge...the house silent ..no tv ..no music.. for hours i would sit there..just waiting for trina to wake up and come down stairs...i needed to know if what she had said to me the night before while drunk...that she wanted me out of the house...and to go back to wales..she didnt love me anymore.. so i waited ..she would stumble down the stairs around 4pm....i wud make her a coffee and sit with her in the lounge...then tho scared..i asked her..did she still want me out of the house and that the relationship was over??.. she looked at me?? wot??? wot u goin on about love?.. i told her wat she had said to my last night... "Oh god...no...no.. i dont want you to go anywhere , god i dont remember saying that ..oh im so sorry"..relief filled my heart.. "Its ok babe...its ok... i do love you trina .. i do" ... "Is this a nail in the coffin???" ..."No!" i replied im not like that....its forgotten ..its past ..just take it easy ...everythings ok......

Well folks, the next post will be a written copy of a letter which i mentioned at the start and meant to copy it then ..but as usual ive gone off on a tangent...sorry for spelling mistakes.. and gliches in the post... tomorrow i will write a copy of a letter trina wrote to me for me to tell my voices ... no joke..and if you thought i was crazy... just wait till u read the letter..
tomorrow folks ..xx