Hmm..  1AM in the morning on Monday 23rd September.

Why can`t I be in bed.. just had one of the most upsetting nights for over 7 yrs..
You see i don`t ever get upset like this, well I hav`nt for over 7yrs.. then months ago I decided to be brave and for the first time consider becoming involved emotionally and in relationship wise enviroment, with what I really thought was a gentle timid and loving woman called Amanda.. she would talk on the fone for hours over the last few months, and over time i started to put trust into someone again, open up show my weaknesses, and openly admit my faults and vices.. Amanda likes to drtink, that i do know from experience, either how she is behaving in chat and writing mis-spelt words.. and saying unusual things.. those times i was nor hadnt been talkin on the fone, but it was clear she was under the influence of something.. One chat we had on the fone just a month ago Amanda said to me.. that she thought she was getting an issue with alcohol, and worried about it.. its not been a long term issue, but lately due to stress and worry shes sought drink to blur and blank out the things and ppl who made her stress and worry.. we talked it over and as i`ve had experience with alcohol personally in family etc and took it upon myself to become a drug and alcohol support worker locally. .. I just told her not to worry too much .. because soon the stress and worry would be over.. and she relayed i dont think i would really want ot wish to taste any alcohol then.

Over the last 2 months her housing conditions have been unhealthy to say the least and it all came to a head the week before last wen all her house mates had moved out due to the landlord and she was told that the landlord was moving in chinese students, increasing the rent from £75 up to £95 well for the chinese, amanda has still payed £75. He did this due to him having no option but pay community tax, it was his obligation but he had wrangled his way out of it for some time, and when he realised what he would have to pay the council , in order for him personally to be out of pocket he puts the rent up £20 extra when the chinese students moved in .. that house has five rooms, and in 4 of those rooms around 8 chinese students are living, amanda is on the ground floor in her room..then last saturday she gets a sms from the landlord saying she had a week to get out, and to be out of the house by next saturday!.. she was so upset.. he spent the next 3 days visiting the house and intimidating amanda daily.. she sought legal advice and made clear to the landlords father that by law she has a minimum of 2 MONTHS WRITTEN NOTICE if asked to leave the property by owner..

During all the mess and really speaking up to 2 months or less back i had made an offer to amanda ..that if she wanted to she could come stay with me, find her footing and eventually try work down here.. over the past few months both Amanda and myself have become very close, and we`ve both stated how scary it all feels, and spent time assuring each other not to worry neither of us were capable of hurting anyone let alone each other.. i actually believed her and put my trust into her as a person but tonight proved to show a darker side to amanda, o2 shop messed my new sim and top up.. i asked for £20 bolt on which gave 200 free mins, 2000 free txts and 1 mb internet data.. but the woman in the shop got all the settings wrong and basically i ended up losing my £20 within makin 2 fone calls.. today i spent 3/4 hr on fone to o2 customer service and they were good enough to credit me £20 and then set my bolt on for 20 quid..
Then later today as amanda is on o2 and thats the only reason why i chose o2 as i usually always am on 3 network, i wondered as she did if we can call each other free as we both had o2 ..she said she would sort it, and next thing she tells me.. her local o2 guru had messed with MY PERSONAL DETAILS AND PHONE without my permission, changed all my settings and took away my bolts on package gave me back my £20 and now i pay for every call to anyone other than amanda who isnt on o2 and get high call costs.. i have sent 8 txt messages to amanda which has cost me £4 so far..so much for free o2 to o2..
Tomorrow i am going to have to ring up o2 YET AGAIN! and plead with them that a guru i had no contact with changed all my settings without my permission.. he cant do that .. if a person goes onto o2 website to change tariffs and bolt ons they have to have the phone registered at o2 first.. so he took the word of amanda (drunk at the time i may add!) who really was a stranger with no proof of knowing me and only having a mobile number to go by.. mess with my set up and lose me everything i had taken 3/4hr to resolve earlier that day ffs..
so NO i wasnt happy that amanda was drunk and not quite aware of what that stupid o2 guru was actually doing..TO MY FUCKING PHONE!!!
I hope to god that when i ring o2 customer service and explain this story they will agree that someone just cant go and speak to an o2 guru online give them an o2 mobile number that not theirs and ask him to change and delete all the settings on the fone .. and set up a different tariff |WITHOUT MY CONSENT!!
 Cross fingers it will workl out.

So thats the fone saga..
I thought things couldnt get worse and relaxed..
I had thought about amanda moving and remebering how scary we both said it felt and i sent her a text tellin her how scared i was etc.
I had forgotten how amanda can change after drinking but i was never prepared for what was to come next... She sent back a sms saying "I knew all along u were going to let me down and stop me from coming to live with you.. i knew you would treat me like this ..you always do, dont you?"
WTF? i never wrote i didnt want to be with her, she believed in her drunk deluded head thats what i had said... BELIEVE ME IF I WANTED TO TELL SOMEONE THE TRUTH AND I DIDNT WANT THEM IN MY HOUSE I AM QUITE CAPABLE OF BEING ABLE TO INFORM THEM WITH THOSE WORDS!!!
i rang her and she was so so drunk by this time she shouted at me.. saying  "yea yea shit on me like u always have.. you do it to me all the time"
where that came from i do not know .. it got pretty ugly via the txts she was sending,
So I rang her up and told her.. i didnt want to talk or txt anymore till tomorrow when she has sobered up and come to her senses and ..right well, you know wen someone who`s abusive to a partner under the influence of booze, and they use the biggest cop out they can on the next day and say " I DONT REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT LAST NIGHT AT ALL ..HONEST .. SORRY .. WHAT DID I DO WRONG?"

well amanda used that beginning of last week wen she was drunk then and said some really nasty cold things .. accusing me of things..but the call ended quickly . and i just told her the next day she was out of order last night ..and asked what did i do i dont remenber..
So TONIGHT I MADE MY LAST CALL OF THE DAY AND TOLD HER I WILL SPEAK WEN SHES SOBER..AND SEE WOT CAN BE SALVAGED ..OR IF IT CAN BE, EVEN.

Ive not been treated like this since my last partner who was violent and drank .. it did that much damage then.. thats why i spent the last 7 yrs on my own.. i never thought i could have another relationship again and then over time i actually enjoyed being on my own doing what i want when i wanted freedom and no negative vibes opressing me...
Until Tonight.. Im not sure how im feeling, or if im able to even deal with the mess of being abused by a drunk partner AGAIN..
Maybe after some sleep .. i will be ok, ( fingers crossed )

nite to ppl in the world . x