I WROTE THIS POEM A FEW WEEKS AGO, IT WAS RELAYING A POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE I THOUGHT I JUST COULDNT KEEP HVING TO GET UP AND GET READY FOR ANOTHER BATTLE OR STRUGGLE..I WAS GENUINELY WEARY,..IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO REST..AND IN A RATHER LUCID CALM STATE OF MIND I CHOSE TO TAKE AN OVERDOSE..IT TOOK AROUND HALF AN HOUR TO TAKE ALL THE MEDICATION I HAD,WHICH WAS A MONTHS SUPPLY..AND BELIVE ME I KNOW MDICATION AND ALL ABOUT DRUGS..AND WHAT I TOOK THAT TEA TIME AFTERNOON, WAS ENOUGH TO KILL ME TWICE ,OVER. I FELT A SENSE OF RELEASE IN A WAY..KNOWING THE PAIN AND BATTLE WOUNDS WOULD NEVER HURT AGAIN...I NEVER KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT STIGMA, AND WHEN I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH SCHIZOPHRENIA I DIDNT HAVE A CLUE THIS DARK HEAVY OPRESSIVE CLOAK OF SHAME WAS SOMETHING I WOULD HAVE TO WEAR EVERYDAY, THE FIRST 10 YRS ..IT HURT WHEN PPL COMMENTED AND IT HURT WHEN HEALTH PROFESSIONALS WORKING IN BRIDGEND CLINIC ABUSED ME PHYSICALLY .. AND THE NEVER ENDING SESSIONS OF ECT.. BUT I BEGAN TO LEARN HOW TO LOOK OUT FOR NOT JUST MYSELF BUT OTHERS TOO..WE KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO US WOULD GO UNHEARD..WE WERE CRAZY ..WHAT IS A COURT GOING TO BELIEVE OR PREFER TO AGREE WIH..A SCHIZOPHRENIC OR PROFESSIONAL WARD MANAGER?
THESE LAST 10 YRS HAVE BEEN THE BEST, AFTER I TOOK THE OVERDOSE AGED 39, WHICH DIDNT WORK,FRUSTRATING AT THE TIME.. PEOPLES FACES TURNED GREY WHEN MY COMMUNITY NURSE HEARD ME TELL HER THAT I TOOK THEM ALL ON MONDAY..I GET TO WAKE UP TODAY WHICH IS WEDNESDAY..THE DOCTORS AT THE HOSPTIAL WERE VERY COMPASSIONATE,AND KIND TO ME THAT DAY.. AND MY PSYCHIATRIST SAID "LEONA..YOU SHOULD NOT BE SITTING HERE IN FRONT OF ME ON THAT SEAT..HOW YOU SURVIVED,GOD ONLY KNOWS.. AND THE SAYING SO APT..GODS IS PROBABLY THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS WHY HE CHOSE FOR ME TO SURVIVE SUCH A SEVERE OVERDOSE..IT JUST WASNT MY TIME..
SINCE THEN MY FRAME OF MIND CHANGED.. IVE ALWAYS BEEN A WITTY PERSON, BUT MY DRY HUMOUR BEGAN TO TURN ARID AT TIMES.. I ACTUALLY STOPPED FEELING ASHAMED ABOUT MY ILLNESS.. I WOULD TALK ABOUT IT OPENLY IF MENTAL ILLNESS CAME UP IN CONVO.. I TOOK THE PISS OUT OF MYSELF..MORE THAN THOSE WHO HAD TAUNTED ME AT TIMES.. MY HUMOUR TOWARD THIS ILLNESS AND ATTITUDE HAS CHANGED SO MUCH FOR THE BETTER..GOOD MEDICATION AND GOOD SELF MANAGEMENT HAS PROVEN ME TO LIVE A GOOD QUALITY OF LIFE. I SEARCH ONLINE FOR MY HOODY1S THAT HAVE "I HEAR VOICES...AND THEY DONT LIKE YOU! " OR IM PSYCHOTIC, DOES THAT BOTHER YOU?
ITS CONFUSING FOR OTHERS TO READ AND YO CAN TELL THE IGNORANT BULLIES ..AS THEY ARE THAT CONFUSED ,RATHER THAN SHOUT OUT "oI YA PSYCHO! THEIR FACES ARE BEWILDERED BY THE T SHIRT..

SO ANYWAY I FOUND MYSLEF LEARNT TO LIKE WHO I AM, AND ENJOY MY OWN COMPANY..SIT WELL WITH MYSELF, NO SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET THESE ARE THE BLESSINGS THAT HAVE COME FROM THE ILLNESS,COS BEING VIRTUALLY OPENED UP MENTALLY FOR SHRINKS AND OTHER DOCTORS TO POKE AROUND IN UR BRAIN,WATS MAKING IT TICK,,OPENED ME UP GOOD AND PROPER.. SO I USED IT AS AN ADVANTAGE..LEARN AND EDUCATE MYSELF OVER TIME. AND NO MATTER HOW INVASIVE THE TREATMENT WAS ,I CANT SAY I WOULD CHANGE A THING. YOUR AVERAGE JOE AND JANE IN SOCIETY ARE MORE FUCKED UP THAN I AM..

I HOPE THIS POEM DOESNT SADDEN PPL..IT WAS MEANT AS MY WAY OF DEALING WITH SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED 10 YEARS AGO..IT WAS TIME TO PACK IT UP IN THE LITTLE BOX AND AND GIVE TO GOD TO TAKE CARE OF FOR ME. THANKYOU FOR READING THIS POST.XX



A Day thats too different,
A feeling of being used,
A tiredness and ill spent
time,so weary if true,

Im so crushed with the struggle
of everyday life,
Its all hushed by the drugs,
but it cuts like a knife.

So this point of decision,
Something not hard to ignore,
My weakness, my failure,
No one knocking my door.

So I count what I have,
Its more than enough,
To extinguish this light,
now that the going got rough.

I`ve a full glass to drink,
each handful I swallow,
The more that I sink.

When it`s all done and dusted,
and the deed has been done,
I`m not scared nor disgusted,
My emotions are numb.

So I turn out the light,
and lay my head down to rest,
I`m so sure its the right thing,
It`s all for the best.

And with serenity envelopes my soul evermore,
I just shut my eyes,
And I close every door.

But a remarkable and god given chance i am given,
I wake some days later.
The days I thought might be hidden,
First a blur but now opening, and the sun shining through,
the gaps in the curtain,
"Not my Time" was so true.

They all said Im lucky and I know god played a hand,
That i`m sitting, eyes wide open,
I then get up to stand.

I dont feel that whats happened,
worked out the `right way`
But I will never forget that crisp springtime felt day.

Yes I know I should have departed in sleep,
But god he just held me,
And my life i did keep

Ive learnt from this lesson,
that this task is not clean cut,
please excuse the expression,
But when the going gets tough,
Please dont give up.

However so painful,
a point you might get to,
Remember theres purpose and value,
And people who respect you

It may be more than you realise,
When you think,
It could be such very different rules applied,
Crying and Sobbing,
asking what was it they missed,
If only i could talk to them,
The issue would never exsist.

So please maybe hear me,when I tell you,
When you think your so, so lost,
and theres no one around,
Remember theres a cost,
You are loved in some way..
and the hearts you`ll be breaking of every that cared,
To the system, yes statistically, now be dead.

I write this tale in the hope i might bring,
a source of understanding,
That no matter how the so very tired in being.
and the end of pain, be it so demanding,

That there IS someone out there,
with a listening ear,
and you`ll start to find days not so tired,
no feeling of fear,
no more struggling through that maze.

If you ever wish to talk to me,
about the story that I`ve told,
please,
get in touch.
Ive all the time Ive been blessed
with in this world.  


(by Leona C Jones. Jan 4th 2015)