THIS POST WAS ON ONE OF THE WEB SITES I FREQUENT AND THE INDIVIDUAL WROTE WHAT I`M GOING TO PASTE NEXT ON THIS POST, IT ALSO INCLUDES MY REPLYING TO HIM,IN HOPE OF HIM UNDERSTANDING HIS FEARS WERE RATHER A DARKNESS THAT JUST NEEDED A CANDLE TO GIVE LIGHT OF WHAT WAS REALLY GOING ON.

Is/was there a conspiracy against me?
Posted 17 days ago
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This may sound weird, but then it's just how I honestly feel:
- My dance teacher and I are loose/casual friends, we talk about stuff but don't really meet outside of class.  Well, we could have as she invited me to her friends' opening of a bar.  But I had no car, and told her I couldn't go.  
- Her class was two days ago, but I actually made an excuse and said I had to leave because I was feeling unwell.  To be honest I was, but then I was really resentful because she's only a year younger than I am, and doesn't act/behave any differently to me but then has a lot more associates than I do. It's not envy, I don't believe envy is ethical, but then it's like everybody else in my generation got breaks and I didn't....And as I said, I don't see how I behave differently to them.....
- I just feel that there has been/was a big conspiracy against me when I was a lot younger, it's the only logical explanation....Even my mum is on it, I got really upset yesterday because I forgot to do something in good faith and then she said "when you get married, you'll be a s**t for doing stuff like that!" It was said in anger, granted, but then she always says stuff like "if I ever get divorced, nobody will be my friend and I'd be a pariah in society".  Incidentally, she is divorced, and no pariah...(as with many millions in modern society....)  Just seems like there was some mass conspiracy to deny me, as why did my generation get the breaks in life?  And why does my mother continually say lots of hurtful things to me?  What did I do wrong?
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My Reply was as follows:
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I can`t say i can understand how u feel but i have a lifestyle in which i am on the same level in a social aspect and also a mother of which mine is german, she did come over to the UK at a very early age, not even 20, she stayed some months and was in the UK singing in her german hometowns choir. She stayed an extra month as she had saved as much as possible and as my mother is her financial managment has always been one of which i look up , I am totally useless when being strict with money, useless ,, anyway germans are known for being blunt kinda clinical and my mum has said so many negative remarks over the past, over the yrs and now?.. i let her say whatever she wishes, not that I ever got angry or confronted her on a remark, but sometimes it would cut me like a knife, esp when younger,. Just last night on the phone she asked me what are my current social standings, asking about my social status, i said well i still see my best friend (which has been an issue in a big way in my life the past 9 months, many unforeseen circumstances have occured and at time through neither my fault nor my best friends, other ppl have put their 2 peny`s worth in and created difficululties for us both that we have had no choice at one point but to stop all contact, she and i always had a close friendship and would see each other most days , now it has gotten to my seeing her maybe once or twice a month ,and even then short amounts of time. I feel betrayed by her in some ways as she took our relationship and basically changed the dynamics to suit her own needs, she has a daughter and 5 grand children the oldest is 20 and youngest is 3 yrs old. Now its not as hurtful, but her change in social structure has changed as she now is involved in a local church, has made new friends and she also goes to other meets the church has set up during the week, she has indeed become as most would saying a daily living christian but she has placed some harsh judgement against me over time since becoming a church member. I see myself as a christian also.. no i dont go to church nor any meetings my old church may have set up, i just found after going back that my old church has a generation gap.. most that go and sadly at the most 25-30 ppl are elderly, but there are no other people in their mid forties, though i can talk to anyone and dont have preference to age i wish there were people i had met when i tried going back that were my age, unfortunately no... so my social structure is that of my best friend plus another male friend whom i might see by chance and then its a short chat then parting of the ways.. my mum used to say what i saw as horrible things about me she once said she and my brother whom i never see both thought i was like some freak, not normal, but then i never filled my mothers expectations unlike my brother who seems the blue eyed boy, yes he has had very good jobs and has a morgage and good social standing, .. but now i see more than ever that both my mum and brother even though they would both be horrified to hear me say it they more messed up than i am.. over the years ive had friends few and far between, i suppose yes i am shy and shrinking wallflower at any occasion but mostly from my mothers constant judgement upon me as a socially acceptable and well functioning meeting new people . I worry over my future, as i know nothing can be assumed nor taken for granted and 3 weeks ago my best friend said she would be moving away from me and to another town away to be both near her new church and new friends and her growing family. She says it wont feel any different from how it is now..i can believe her on that as i barely see her anyhow.. i invested alot of my life into my relationship with her and i feel taken for granted, now she has new social calender and friends shes much less time for me, and has never once asked in the last 3 months how im feeling in my world, i am not a confrontational person more submissive than anything and quite frankly i absorb the things others may say about me like a sponge, and it feels like an infection when something is said on one thing i might cherish anothers flippant remark over something that seems of no real signifigance in life to them but to me its everything, now at age 47 i wonder how the next 5 yrs will grow to be like.I know my "best" friend has now transended into a "friend" she no longer needs me as much as she did, i am no longer a nessesity to her on a high level,Looking back maybe i have carved my own path too direct, and focusing on my once relationship with my, what it feels one time "best" friend that has used me to her needs and now discarded me somewhat and feels no real desire to HAVE to keep the phone line open. We both have grown up in similar ways both had strict harsh worded parents also both deemed the black sheep in the family, i have always felt a failure so many different ways in family life and socially also, why has it been though that i only maintained and held one close friendship and had the well quoted quite a few aquaintances of which maybe ive kept them subconsciously at a distance, due to relationships ive had in the past have taken their toll, through break ups nearly all of which have been amicable and friendly now i seem to have even lost touch with them also.. I cant say i feel a sense of loneliness or longing to have the phone ring regulary with different people asking me if i would like to go to a BBQ or out for a eveing drink.. that never happens, as my brother who is just over 2 yrs older than myself is still a single fellow and become a man that just cant allow himself to put himself into the full trust of the few long term partners he has had,, he cannot trust women fully so willnot commit and now to my mums sad heart im sure i have no children and also now my brother has given my mum grandchildren either so "Blah!" to mother on that score, also rammed that equation down my throat as defected goods unable to or maybe unwilling to have children ..of course i would have loved to have children of my own oh how regretful i am over that, but fate never gave me a chance or window in life allowing me to have a window in it to make room for extending my marraige with patter of little feet. So now i often wonder, where when and how did my life end up like this: an older single brother working hard all the hours god sends making a load of money working as an electrical engineer on oil rigs unlikely to marry it seems but never say never on that one bro! but never likely to have children i do know he had always wanted with the right woman, but theyve all been the "right" woman, good women big hearts financially self sufficent and good jobs , stimulating in conversation all of good intellect yet his fear of commiting continually dims his light as time passes by. So when or how did it coem to my mother now in late 70`s single self sufficiant finacially stable of which im happy and feel that all she has now she has honestly worked damn hard for, she deserves her apartment with a brilliant set up of a complex not large by far, quite exclusive and expensive and high standard but i know shes safe and has something of which i will say my brother see`s as ££££ in his eyes.. how did i end up not even knowing for example my brothers favourite meal?.. somehow let my mother bullying me with constant negative remarks and putting me down to the degree it seems to have been like forever... kept to one friend and somehow had no other good friendships ..none??. i know the facts on my later life.. im going to be a statistic and when i die, which i hope is where i am living now as i am happy here i will probably pass away but not missed for some weeks till im found and lucky to have anyone at my funeral. WOW am i depressing in the way ive explained how things have seemed to have silently led within the great river of life where my little trickle of a stream so pathetic maybe to others it may look and disapointing to mum, looked down by my brother (who in all honesty is the last to be looking down at me anymore) so what i dont have alot of money that has just strengthened my lack of desire to always get what is or seemily unreachable, no i get what i can the best options to me,,and what i cant have i dont have ..end of.. im picturing myself growing old and single and im sure i will feel more and more unsafe in this changing world i hope to god im not a statistic where i get picked on by local hoodlums so long as i keep this housing association flat which is ground floor, i have no desire no give it up now or the last (fingers crossed) 40 yrs of life on planet earth ..which now in reality has more people living on it now more than ever..and its going to keep rising.. god even knows maybe my flat will get trashed by a bloody monsoon in the UK.. leaving me and me cherished perished knick knacks floating in a vast pond and i see maybe a sea gull in 10 yrs who just feels like having a dump on my patch cos he can! not that it matters to him he may shite in the water ..no just on my rather large computer deskwhere i will keep all things precious and not even on them ..but no it probably knowing my luck on my last bit of shampoo i will ever see again in life end of last drop used now clean hair for 10 mins and SPLAT!! LOL.... I am alone BUT im not Lonely im not a bitter person in how life seems to have set my path before giving me the chance to at least have someone pass through that i might have liked me for all i am and stand for.. warts an all or been some friend magnet where ppl just cant cope without me,,, nope. im thinking of getting a second land line set up in my flat under the dogs name maybe he can ring me and ask me if i would like to take him out for a walk as he`s crossing his legs and im on some www tangent blogging or watching movies listening to music and i hope giving u a little more oomph! and that you should never feel conspired against so what if you were? feck all that can be done about it now... all i do is keep my thoughts open be nice to others, but at this age have the nerve to at least say "Ouch! Dont say that about me lady/guy/dude/ hoodlum whoever.. if u aint got nothing nice to say ..say nowt! keep realising that u are important in this world i think you are ..otherwise i would never have been so -i know!! depressingly open and stripped what i already all knew and for the first time put in one whole single shot and i dont feel ill from it, i have my personal faith with jesus and the lord senior im first to smile at a passer by in the street, have been known to open a conversation with a lovely lady in woolworths of which we talked about virtually all exsistance known to man..honestly i never asked her what her name was..ohh but we did chat some ..over an hour chatting to someone if u had watched us u would have thought they look good friends  .. sniff* i will miss my best friend when she moves away.. oh well ..we may be holding in abudance and hoarding what we take for granted something that some poor nigerian woman would give her right arm to have just one of that certain unknown to us gold to her .. promote yourself if no one say Hey u look nice ...THEN TELL URSELF !! its probably NOT any conspiracy why you and why me?.. what is it we have that they want to themselves at some point..has to be a reason we are sociallly isolated ..hmmm maybe there are greater plans for us...if Nelson Mandella can survive isolated for so so long, and have the only one thing he has reason to get up for each day ..though to kids they just wont understand but he had a tiny bit im not sure how tiny but he made it a garden in his life alone even if it did have just 1 plant one flower once  a year..that garden gave him hope.. Im telling you if the goverment was conspiring against us im sure we wud have a barcode tattooed somewhere on me...be strong smile at the old people wen they smile remember they cant rely on false teeth even stayin in place my poor grandma always had a dodgy bottom set..bless her but it makes me smile to this day.you matter you are somebody,dont think ur a nobody..take care lovey ..xx