LAST  NIGHT I FOUND MYSELF SURROUNDED BY A COMPLETE NIGHTMARE.

i HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF BEING A THIEF, AND THAT WHILE MY CLOSEST FRIEND WAS AWAY ON HOLIDAY ..I HAD BEEN SEEN BY SOMEONE, ENTERING MY FRIENDS HOUSE AND LEAVING ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS, THE PERSON WHO HAS ACCUSED ME TOLD ME THE, SHE HAD MOVED OBJECTS IN THE FLAT AROUND AND COME BACK ONLY TO FIND THEM MOVED AGAIN, THE PERSON WHO HAS WITNESSED ME DOING ALL THIS ALSO TOLD MY FRIENDS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT I WAS SEEN GOING THROUGH DRAWERS IN THE FLAT, WHICH I CANNOT UNDERSTAND BECAUSE  A: THEY WOULD HAVE HAD TO HAVE BEEN STANDING RIGHT UP TO THE WINDOWS AND B: THE WINDOWS BLINDS WERE ALL SHUT AND IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO LOOK INTO THE FLAT IN ANY WAY.

BUT THE GRANDDAUGHTER BELIEVES THE PERSON WHO ALL THESE PIECES OF INFORMATION HAVE COME FROM ALSO HAS MORE OR LESS THREATENED ME NOT TO TRY COMMUNICATE WITH MY BEST FRIEND EVER AGAIN. SO I HAVE LOST SOMEON WHO IS AND HAS BEEN THE CLOSEST PERSON IN MY LIFE, AND A FRIEND OF 16 YEARS .

IT FEELS LIKE I HAVE BEEN TOLD SOMEONE HAS DIED ...THATS THE ONLY WAY I CAN DESCRIBE MY GRIEF.

I HAVE NOT, AND WOULD NEVER ENTER MY FRIENDS FLAT , LET ALONE GO THROUGH ALL THE DRAWERS AND TAKE THINGS. TODAY MY FEELINGS ARE OF LOSS AND ANGER AND FRUSTRATION.

AND AS A PERSON , NO IM FAR FROM PERFECT AND I DO FUCK UP FROM TIME TO TIME, BUT I HAVE NEVER GONE OUT OF MY WAY NOR INDUCED CONFLICT OR UPSET TO ANYONE IN MY LIFE. I HAVE NO IDEA WHO WOULD WANT TO GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO ACCUSE ME OF SUCH ACTIONS AND THAT THIS PERSON MUST HAVE HATRED FOR ME .. FOR NO REAL REASON AT ALL.

IT IS CRUEL AND NASTY TO GO TO SUCH LENGTHS AND HAVE FULL KNOWLEDGE OF THE DEVASTATION AND DAMAGE IT WILL CAUSE.

WHEN I HAD READ THIS MESSAGE .. MY EMOTIONS TOOK OVER AND MY CRYING SOON TURNED INTO SOBBING, I WENT AND LAY ON MY BED AND CRIED AND CRIED, AND ..(PLEASE DO NOT THINK I AM PUTTING THIS NEXT STATEMENT INTO THIS BLOG FOR EFFECT OR FOR ATTENTION ) THINKING THAT NOW IVE LOST MY CLOSEST FRIEND AS I AM ESTRANGED FROM MY FAMILY I HAVE NO ONE ELSE THAT HAS A DEEP CONNECTION WITH ME, I SPLUTTERED OUT THE WORDS OUT LOUD " I WANT TO DIE" .."JUST WANT TO DIE" AND I THOUGHT OF PUNCHING THROUGH MY CEILING IN MY FLAT TO FIND THE RAFTERS, AS I AM ON THE GROUND FLOOR THERE ISNT ANYTHING TO USE , BUT IF THE NOOSE WAS SHORT ENOUGH, AND I FOUND A RAFTER IT WOULD BE ENOUGH TO USE MY NOOSE..THE NOOSE,WELL I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A NOOSE HANGING FROM THE CEILING IN THE LOUNGE..AS A REPRESENTATION OF THE TOTAL ABSURDITY OF LIFE AND THE ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY OF DEATH, KNOW I KNOW WHO HAS VISITED ME LIKES IT, AND FIND IT UNCOMFORTABLE..AND ITS NOT A QUESTION OF TRYING TO GET ATTENTION IN ANY WAY.. ITS ART FORM OF REALITY AND A REMINDER OF HOW FRAGILE LIFE IS AND CAN BE, AND NO ONE ..NO MATTER HOW BAD A LIFE THEY LEAD ..THEY CAN NEVER RUN FROM DEATH.. AND A PSERSON LYING ON THEIR DEATH BED WILL EXPERIENCE THEIR LIFE AND THEIR ACTIONS IN LIFE RUSH UPON THEM AND THEIR CONSCIENCE CATCHES UP WITH THEM, AND THEY ALONE HAVE TO DEAL WITH WITH IT , AS FOR MY BELIEF ON CONSCIENCE I STRIVE EACH DAY TO BE A GOOD PERSON . DO NO HARM TO OTHERS  AND YES I DO FUCK UP, BUT WHEN I DO, I WILL GO OUT OF MY WAY TO TRY FIX MY WRONG DOING,, AND IF IT IS AN ACTION THAT HAS AFFECTED AN INDIVIDUAL I WILL APOLOGIZE AND FULLY ACCEPT THE WRONG I DID AND HOW IT HAS MADE THEM FEEL.. EVEN IF I HAVE TO DO THIS IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE, SO BE IT, A LITTLE HUMILITY NEVER HARMS US, IN FACT I THINK IT IS A CONCEPT THAT SHOULD BE PRESENT IN ANYONE WHO HAS TO APOLOGISE..

I HAVE NEVER USED NOR BEEN A PART OF VIOLENT BEHAVIOR TOWARD ANYONE, NEVER SHOWN HATRED OR ANGER, 

WHY ALL THIS , HAS COME UPON ME, AND PLACED ITSELF ON MY LAP I DONT REALLY KNOW, MAYBE ITS A TEST FROM GOD TO SHOW MY WEAKNESSES AND SHOW ME HOW TO STAND STRONG IN SUCH SITUATIONS . I HAVE ALREADY FELT THE STRENGTH , AND HAVE FOR A LONG TIME... BEEN ABLE TO BELIEVE AND ACTUALLY STAND NEXT TO MY CONVICTIONS. NO MATTER IF IT ISOLATES ME OR SINGLES ME OUT FROM THE CROWD.. I AM NOT AFRAID TO SPEAK OUT AND SHOW MY BELIEF AND FAITH IN SOMEONE OR SOMETHING.. SO BE IT SOCIETY REJECTS ME.. I RATHER SAY HOW THINGS REALLY ARE AND KNOW THAT EVERY HUMAN BEING KNOWS WHATS RIGHT AND WHATS WRONG. WHAT IS GOOD AND WHAT IS BAD.. NO ONE CAN DENY THAT KNOWLEDGE TO THEMSELVES. BUT PEOPLE SEEM TO, RATHER THAN HAVE THE STRENGTH TO STAND BY WHAT THEY BELIEVE IN, INSTEAD SAY NOTHING SO THEY REMAIN WITHIN THE CROWD ..FOR FEAR OF WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN TO THEM IF THEY HAD TO STAND ALONE IN THE RIGHT PLACE, 

I HAVE NO CONTROL AS TO WHAT LIFE WILL THROW AT ME, AND ALL I CAN DO REALLY IS ALLOW MY EMOTIONS TO FOLLOW THROUGH IN ORDER TO LET THE SITUATION RUN ITS COURSE.

AT LEAST I KNOW I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG, IVE TRIED TO PRESENT MY HONESTY AND TRUTHFULNESS THAT I AM NOT GUILTY. I KNOW THAT THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO HAS HATRED FOR ME, AND HAS CREATED A ELABORATE LIE IN ORDER TO MAKE MYSELF TO BE SEEN BY OTHERS WHO THEY SPEAK TO, GUILTY OF THE ACTIONS THAT THEY STATE.

FUNNY HOW HUMANS HAVE EVOLVED INTO BEINGS THAT JUMP AND DEVOUR DECIETFUL ELABORATE LIES AND CAUSE HARM, BE IT GOSSIP OR INTENTION TO CAUSE UPSET.. AS SOON AS WE ARE TOLD A NEGATIVE ACTION ...LOOKING AT THE OPPOSITE AND HOW PEOPLE REACT TO POSITIVE FEEDBACK OF OTHER PEOPLE AND SITUATIONS , WE BECOME JEALOUS AND MOCK IT WITHIN OUR MINDS..WHY HUMANS HAVE COME TO THIS WAY OF THINKING I HAVE NO IDEA,

ALL I KNOW IS I HAVE TO REPEAT THE WORDS 

GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY ,

TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE,

COURAGE TO THE THINGS I CAN CHANGE,

AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.